[notice]A fortnightly column on marriage, family and relationships.[/notice]
Approximately 10 years ago, July of 2005, we lost our second child through a miscarriage. The dictionary describes a miscarriage as “a spontaneous abortion and pregnancy loss. It is the natural death of an embryo or foetus before it is able to survive independently.” Weeks of excitement at the prospect of being parents again; the vision of being a family of four; all the plans we had; all that turned into devastation; helplessness and grief at the loss of our child that fateful morning.
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I asked myself, did I cause the death of my baby? Could I have done anything different? How come I didn’t see this coming? Just the other day I was healthy. Just last night; this morning I was ok and this? It can’t be! So many of us are finding ourselves in that very situation where things have been going well in your life; in your marriage and your family. There were no signs that could have prepared you for what you are facing now. You did not suspect anything and BOOM your spouse wants a divorce! You feel you are in a never ending boxing match as another punch lands: You have been retrenched. “You have cancer!; “You have AIDS! We have just rushed your mother to the hospital! Your son is involved in a car accident! We have to close the business! — Things that you absolutely could not have predicted but realities of life that are thrown at you.
With the loss of my child in July 2005 I had gone to bed healthy. For weeks we had gotten used to the idea we were going to parents for the second time. I had gone to the gynaecologist who confirmed the pregnancy. I was excited to be a mom again. I COULD NOT HAVE EXPECTED WHAT HAPPENED THAT MORNING!!!!!!!!!!
Retreated
I retreated into a shell. I did not want to talk about it. I felt like a failure. I felt that I failed my husband. I felt that I failed my family who were looking forward to having another addition to the family. My husband told me many times that there was no way I could have predicted what happened but still I felt that I was the cause of the miscarriage. My body rejected my baby and I felt that I was the cause. I didn’t even want to talk about it because for me it was one of those things that happened and life carried on.
There are many of us, who like me, in their marriages; in their families feel you have been the cause of so much heartache. You feel you have been the cause of disappointments maybe you were the breadwinner and you lost your job. You unfairly blame yourself: “Maybe if I had done things differently.”; if I could have been more loving; if I could have been more compassionate; more gentle; more there maybe just maybe he would not have left me; she would not have divorced me. The child that I love so dearly could not have done what they did. They would not have turned out the way that they did. If I had been more aware; more present then my child would not have turned out to be a drug addict; she would not be so rude; so disrespectful. She would be a good child like other children. My marriage could have been thriving.
You drive yourself insane repeatedly asking; IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE? Like me you have to come to the realisation that life is life and somethings you can never predict. Jesus even warned us in John 16:33, In the world you will have troubles but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world. Somethings we have no control over. You just have to leave them at the altar with God. Eighteen months after the miscarriage I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl and two years after that God gave us our third child. I do not have all the answers about why God chose to allow a miscarriage with our second child but I find peace and comfort in the truth that He loves me and He is always in control.
I was scared during my second and third pregnancies. I kept asking myself: “Is my body going to reject this baby the way it rejected my second?” Am I going to be able to bring this one to term? Will I lose this one as well? Is she going to make it? Is he going to make it? Am I going to be all right? For a long time the miscarriage haunted me. God was gracious and compassionate to us and blessed us with two other kids. God gives you a second; third; fourth and fifth chance. There is hope in God if you would only give your pain; your heartache; your loss; your disappointment; your shame; your failure; your helplessness YOUR EVERYTHING; your relationships; YOUR LIFE to Him. He knows your future and He loves you with a love that you will never ever understand.
Stars in the darkness
HE LOVES YOU!!! HE LOVES ME!!!!!! He was there for me and my family. He will be there for you as well. Although it might feel at times, you are the only one going through this know that THERE IS A GOD WHO STICKS CLOSER THAN A BROTHER! You feel alone; know that He is there with you and for you. If you are finding yourself in the darkest of your days; in the darkest of your life know that God know that there is THE LIGHT who shines so bright right there in your darkness. In the darkest of nights He provides stars. God sent us His stars in the midst of our darkness, people who came and knew just what to say to make us get through one more day. God will provide His stars. It will never be so dark that God will not reach out and Be with in your circumstances.
From having a dream; a vision; hope; excitement of the future; that part of you that comes alive because you are anticipating something great; something fantastic; life changing to all of a sudden sadness; panic; horror; absolute devastation. You might feel that there is no way out that you will never be better; you will never come out of this but there is a hope in God. There is One who sees and He knows your future. He knows your end. From beginning to the end He knows you. Not only does He know you He knows your spouse as well. He is the One who knew of this union; who has blessed this union and who is able to bring you out of whatever you might be facing as a family.
He brought me out of that dark place of depression; from those ashes and He has made beauty for ashes. He is no respecter of persons; marriages or families. If He can do that for me and my family He can do the same for you all you have to do is ask.
SHALOM!
sometimes it is not easy to ask when you know that you were in the wrong by actually making mistakes that costs you. I truly believe what you say is true, I am in position at this point in my life where everything feels as though it is falling apart, but yet I still have hope , and I still pray to God that he can take me out of this slump and I truly believe he will still do that. I have asked myself the questions time and again and the reason I am feeling the way I am at the moment is because of my own wrong doing, not asking the Lord before I do something, but doing what I feel, and that has landed me in my predicament, I have lately gone back to my old ways where I believe that I have to hold everything in place, and I have to be the responsible one, and I have to do everything alone, forgetting that, in the midst of things that I have a Heavenly father that loves me and wants to protect me and wants to be with me, and assist me in my life, but when things were good I was growing to fond of being in control again and in my own life that is where I made the mistake of not trusting or believing in the mighty word of God. And now I am sorry for what I have done because it directly effects myself and my entire family. and I feel ashamed of what I’ve done, but to ask for forgiveness and to say you are sorry does not really help, unless you show mercy that you are sorry for what you have done, and are truly sorry for whatever it is that you have done, I like your post because millions of people have gone through similar things in their life, and even if it is not similar, it makes a person feel at fault, and completely helpless in every way possible, but I believe there is light at the end of this dark tunnel, and I believe I have a heavenly father who loves me and will be with me in my time of need, and the most important thing for me is, something I read at a funeral one day, can not remember the verse, but it says’ in times of need or hardships there are one pair footsteps in the sand, and that is not you walking but that is God carrying you.
I am completely humbled at God’s love for us Willem. Do you know that I have not read your comment until now and God gave me a message to write on shame and guilt. Lookout for it tomorrow. I believe that article is for you Willem. God loved you so much. Our God is a God of a second chance; a third and a fourth chance. He still has good plans for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Believe in that unconditional love. Even at this moment when you are feeling like a prodigal son who has done your Father wrong and brought shame to your family God still loves you and He forgives you. HE LOVES YOU WILLEM AND HE FORGIVES YOU!!!!This is the the awesome gift that Jesus gives us. Will you forgive yourself? You don’t need to be carrying this tiring burden any longer my brother. Hand it to Jesus who is more than capable of carrying it and of taking care of you!!!!
Im encouraged by your columns. I got answers for few things that were troubling me
I am happy that you got encouragement beloved. You can email me at renejedk@gmail.com if you want to talk some more about what is troubling you.