9 questions to ask when choosing a spouse

20somethingPursuit[notice]Revivalist Shannon-Leigh Barry shares her wit and passion and the pursuits of her 20something heart in a monthly column that speaks to the desires of young adults in today’s Christian society. [/notice]

Questions to ask when choosing a mate

In every human heart there is a desire to be known, loved and fully accepted (flaws and all). We are designed for companionship and the gift of singleness is rare. The Apostle Paul should have known that because there are way more people burning with passion than one’s saying I am going to be alone for Jesus.
Nonetheless, after choosing the Lord in your life the second most important decision you will make is who will be your partner. Your degree of happiness is based on your choice of who you marry. If you disagree with me then spend some time with a couple that’s really negative or critical. I think you will change your mind. An amazing job won’t keep you from a nagging wife. 
That being said I have a few questions that were given to me four years ago and for some reason I can’t seem to forget them. It’s like a safety filter for my heart to ask good questions. I believe in dating and I believe in choice. I think people should see what they like and do not like and if you are in your twenty-something years you probably have had a taste of what you don’t like. So here are questions to help you find what you do like and help you look through the rose tinted glasses of love which can be blinding. Getting married is one thing, staying married is another and divorce is something our society is faced with daily. I believe we should ask ourselves good questions to help us make informed decisions. Whether single or in a relationship these questions should help you make a good decision toward your future spouse. 


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 1. Are they Christian people?

It is important to look at the fruit of the person’s life. The fruit testifies so much more than what the person is saying to you about his or her relationship with God. The person can say he is Christian or spiritual but his lifestyle reflects something different to what he says he is. Your response should be: “I know what you are saying, but this is what I am seeing”. 

2. Do you agree on major points of Theology?

For me this is a deal breaker because I love the Word of God and teach the Word. You need to ask the person about his views. You might think this plays no role but when children are being raised it will have a role. What does the person believe concerning baptism, faith, salvation, prophesy, unconditional love? I hear men say women should not preach. That’s okay, that’s their opinion but that’s certainly not the opinion I want to marry. 

3. How responsible are they with money?

Let’s be honest money is a big cause for divorce today. People are in so much debt that by the time they get married you will marry into their debt. It is understandable if the person you are with has student loans and has tried to further his education and develop himself. Let’s not be hard on people but be aware that if someone is living off credit all the time that could cause a major point of contention later. When finances merge in marriage it’s your money that will be used to pay off debt. 


4. Can you trust this person, or has this person given you reason to lose trust?

Trust is a major factor in any relationship but in a marriage trust is the thing that keeps you together. It’s a core element to any relationship. All people hate deception and feeling lied to. No matter who you are, it’s hard to stomach someone lying to you especially when you love that person. You will never fully give your heart to someone you don’t trust and so love is not expressed in its full capacity because you will hold back.

5. How does this person handle adversity?

I often look at short engagements and part of me gets concerned over this part. A pastor once advised me to date for at least a year before getting married. He said that you should see the person in different seasons before marrying them. You really need to know that when the hard times come rolling that person won’t roll up and out of there because he knows how to deal with adversity.

 6. Have you ever seen this person angry?

I am not the type of person who frequently gets angry but that does not mean I will never get angry because anger is an emotion. It’s important to know how you or your significant other behaves when anger is experienced. 

7. Has forgiveness ever been asked for and has forgiveness been given?

Does the person know how to say sorry to you and is he or she really remorseful about hurting you. You will get hurt in a relationship and that’s why people apologise but marrying someone who is stubborn and does not acknowledge when he is wrong sounds rather tiresome.


 8. Does this person trust God?

Have you seen this person exercise faith? It’s one thing to be a Christian and say ‘I love the Lord’ but does this person exercise faith? Pinpoint times where the person has demonstrated faith and took risks even small ones. 

9. What issues do you disagree on?

It is healthy to disagree. You can agree to disagree because people have different opinions. But concerning the person you marry that should be different. You should know what you disagree on as that could be a deal breaker for both of you.

People rarely rush into buying a house so why should the marriage process be rushed. That’s a much bigger investment. It’s an investment of the heart for a lifetime.  

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