Focus on The Family

Q: I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. I’ve abstained from alcohol because of it, but are there other issues I should be concerned about? I don’t want this part of my past affecting my own family.

Graeme: I admire your courage in wanting to confront your own challenges. In the case of children of alcoholics, many grow up to have difficulty expressing their feelings. To survive, they learn to insulate themselves against the pain of their environment by “stuffing” emotions like anger and sadness. They may also have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility derived from the necessity of caring for a drunken parent and emotionally supporting other family members during their most formative years. These character traits may be useful in their original setting, but can often become liabilities later in life, especially in a marriage relationship.

Relating to authority figures can also be a problem. Interestingly, this can lead to widely contrasting outcomes, with some victims adopting a rebellious attitude while others become “people pleasers,” unable to assert themselves even when they’re clearly being taken advantage of. They may also be terribly afraid of abandonment, and will do whatever it takes to hold on to a relationship, even when they’re being abused.

For these and other reasons, adult children of alcoholics may end up marrying alcoholics or become alcoholics themselves. Even if they don’t drink, they may have extreme “Type A” personalities and display workaholic tendencies.

This description doesn’t fit every person who grows up in an alcoholic home. Each person and situation is unique. The good news is that there is effective help available, and our counselors would be pleased to get you pointed in the right direction. Please call them at 031 7163300.

Q: I’ve got a big problem in how I speak to my wife and children; too often, I fly off the handle and yell at everybody. I desperately want to be a better husband and father, and I need to change my behavior. Do you have any suggestions?

Graeme: You’ve taken an important first step by realizing that you have a problem with anger and verbal abuse. In a very real sense, that’s more than half the battle, and I commend you for it.

You can start moving in the right direction by getting some intensive counseling with a pastor or a professional marriage and family therapist. There are a number of therapists in the field who specialize in brief intensives. Focus on the Family’s Counseling Department can help you with referrals to qualified practitioners in your area; call 031 7163300.

As you go forward, remember that anger is often fueled by feelings of fear, hurt and shame (a sense of not being good enough). Counseling will help you identify these triggering patterns. It will teach you new coping skills and help you practice more effective communication techniques. It will also uncover underlying wounds and highlight “reenactment behaviors” resulting from unfinished business with your family of origin and/or difficult life experiences. This in turn will enable you to avoid the reactionary type of language that can take such a devastating emotional toll on the people around you.

A book that can help jump-start the process is Robert McGee’s The Search for Significance, which addresses the fear of failure, rejection, punishment, and shame which is often the source of the kind of anger you’ve experienced in your family relationships. It can be ordered online and found in most bookstores.

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