Q: Our son is matriculating, and we’re really struggling with what his next step should be. We want to offer him the prospect of a bright future, but formal education has never been his forte. He’s very gifted mechanically and enthusiastically works on our cars and projects around the house. But his friends are all headed off to university, and it seems he should do the same. What are your thoughts?
Graeme: I can appreciate the emotions behind the decision you (and many other families) are facing. You and your son are standing at one of life’s biggest forks in the road: should he go on to university or take another route?
The truth is university isn’t for everybody. Did you know that over forty percent of young people who start university never finish? Sometimes it’s a financial issue. Sometimes it’s because they simply aren’t ready for university-level work.
Whatever the reason, deciding against university doesn’t have to mean sacrificing a strong future. There are a number of jobs that pay well, offer good career paths, and don’t require a university degree. Many skilled trades – for which your son seems to have an aptitude – provide apprenticeships and on-the-job training.
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If you and your son decide higher education is the right path, it’s worth taking the time to find an institution that best fits his interests and goals. And be sure to compare tuition costs. Just because a university or college costs twice as much doesn’t mean it offers an education that’s twice as valuable.
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Whatever path your son chooses, remind him of this: What employers look for most are candidates who are disciplined, reliable, and of good character. Those are qualities that will help create a solid future regardless of whether your child goes to university or not.
Q: What should I do about my boyfriend’s “party friends”? He’s a great guy, but he insists on hanging out with these guys despite their disgusting behavior. Although he doesn’t participate in their “extra-curricular activities,” I still feel anxious whenever he’s with them.
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Graeme: This is a common scenario for many women, and there are a couple of ways to look at the situation. A great deal depends on an honest assessment of your boyfriend’s character. There are occasions when a man will engage in morally mismatched friendships in order to provide a positive example and influence. That’s a tough assignment, and you need to observe and confirm over a long period of time that your boyfriend is indeed a man of strong and noble character before moving toward a serious relationship.
But if you have any doubts on that score (and your anxious feelings suggest maybe you do), it’s important to ask yourself why you’re involved with this guy. Are you hoping to change him into someone better? If so, that’s a losing proposition. As is said in psychology, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.”
Some serious self-examination might help you sort out your feelings. Many women wind up with guys who are bad for them because of their own past family experiences. It’s a pattern I’ve seen played out repeatedly. Was your father a mature man of character, who took his responsibilities seriously and treated your mother with respect? Did you have a positive relationship with your dad? Did he encourage you and affirm you as a child?
If not, you may be unconsciously drawn to men whose attitudes and behaviour repeat the less-than-ideal conditions of your childhood. Our licensed counsellors would be happy to listen and help guide you through these questions and any other concerns you may have. Don’t hesitate to call them at 031 716 3300 for a consultation.
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