Q: I’m dreading Christmas this year. The whole extended family will be in the same place together, and there’s a lot of unresolved conflict simmering just beneath the surface (some of it involving my household with others). Do you have any advice for navigating a tense and awkward situation?
Graeme: One beautiful thing about family is the deep connection tying members together through thick and thin. But as most of us have experienced, those ties can also have a dark side when conflict is involved. Even petty arguments can drag out for years – and it can be especially difficult to bring resolution if neither party is willing to take a step toward peace.
So, the most pivotal step is also the most challenging. And that’s for you to take the initiative to try to rebuild a bridge – before everyone is together. Even if you feel another family member is at fault, make the first move and show some grace and love. Take an honest look at the situation, and yourself, and acknowledge if you’ve contributed to the tension, even inadvertently. Try sending a card or email with something simple like: “I miss our friendship — let’s start over,” or: “I’m sorry we’ve had tension in our relationship. What can I do to help resolve it?”
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Even if the other person involved doesn’t respond, you’ll know you did your part to establish peace and goodwill this holiday season. And then when everyone is together, prioritise what’s commonly known as The Golden Rule: simply treat others the way you yourself want to be treated. As you model that approach to your entire family, you might be surprised at the results.
If you’d like to talk to one of our staff counsellors about your situation, call 031 7163300 or visit safamily.co.za.
Q: My kids hear so many conflicting messages during the Christmas season. How do I help them catch the generosity message when there’s so much selfishness apparent this time of year?
Graeme: What a great gift for your kids! Generosity can provide amazing benefits to them as they continue to grow up and learn to love others genuinely. It’s not easy to go against human nature and the cultural norms of selfishness. It takes consistency and patience as you teach your children this important trait.
Here are some ideas to help you consider how you can promote generosity during this time of the year:
- Start family traditions. Create serving days instead of shopping days where your entire family picks where they can serve for a day. Or consider making a “joy jar” where your kids write down their favourite ideas for generosity; draw out one idea each week (or each month through the year) to do together.
- Cultivate a spirit of generosity. Discuss different ways you can be generous.
- Time – Give of your time to another person.
- Toys or things – Give old or new toys to someone else for them to enjoy.
- Words – Provide genuine compliments or words of encouragement.
- Acts of service – Serve others without expecting anything in return.
- Give more than you take. It’s essential for our kids to learn to be contributors rather than consumers in this world. Contributors learn to naturally serve out of love for others. Consumers act only to get things from others. Have your children come up with creative ways your family can create a culture filled with contributors.
To learn more about teaching your kids generosity, go to safamily.co.za. While there, you can explore the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting to make generosity part of your home.
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