Q: My father walked out on our family when I was a little kid. Now that I’m an adult I could really use his input — but he’s not here for me. How can I get past this pain?
Graeme: First of all, if your mother is available I’d suggest you tell her that you’re having a hard time right now. She might still be dealing with her own stuff, but she could have important insights to share about your dad’s background and behaviour. That wouldn’t excuse his leaving, but it might help explain it.
It could also be worth investigating to see if your mom, other relatives, or family friends might have your father’s contact information. If someone can give that to you, think about writing him a letter.
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Take whatever time you need to think and pray about it, then write when you feel ready. Express your feelings openly and honestly. Ask any questions that are on your mind. Let him know what it would mean to you if he would respond. Obviously, there’s no guarantee that he’ll answer, but it’s worth a try. And whether he even receives or reads the letter, the process of writing things out can be beneficial for you, too. Putting our deepest thoughts and emotions down on paper can be a healing experience.
Whatever happens, remember the real Easter message of renewal: God loves us so much that He went to immeasurable lengths to repair our fractured relationship with Him. He understands the pain you’ve experienced as a result of being abandoned by your earthly dad. Psalm 68:5 tells us that God is a “father to the fatherless.” Turn to Him with your pain.
If you’d like to talk to someone about this, our staff counsellors at Focus on the Family would be honoured to take your call at (031)7163300.
Q: My marriage is essentially dead after almost 18 years. My husband and I are both just done with it. However, we have agreed to stay together until our two children (ages 15 and 13) are both out of the house. That will at least be a positive for the kids, right?
Graeme: Many couples on the verge of divorce say the same thing, and a number of studies would suggest they’re right. BUT — there’s a whole lot more at stake here.
Children whose biological mother and father stay married are less likely to get involved in a variety of problematic behaviours. These kids are also more likely to complete college and to enjoy a successful marriage of their own. Those are the types of positive results we all want for our children. It all starts with keeping your marriage together.
However, an even better approach is to get your relationship on a path toward healing. Kids know if you’re just going through the motions; “staying together” but fighting every night in front of them is counterproductive. Ongoing conflict in your home can unravel all the good you’re trying to do on their behalf.
A healthy home environment is one where children see Mom and Dad working through your differences and living out the love that first drew you together. Don’t “stay together for the kids’ sake” only to stay miserable in your marriage. Get professional help for your problems and find some common ground.
If you and your husband are both willing to try, I strongly suggest you get in touch with one of our counsellors who will be glad to journey with you. Call on (031)7163300 or visit the counselling page on our website at safamily.co.za.
You and your spouse don’t have to be strangers living together under the same roof. Do the whole family a favour — stay together and get your marriage healthy.
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