Q: My adult daughter is 35 years old; I haven’t spoken with her since she was 17. I definitely wasn’t the best father, but I’ve made positive changes in recent years. I long for our relationship to be restored. Should I reach out to her or wait for her to hopefully show some interest in me?
Graeme: I’m sure there have been many things over the years that led to this difficult situation, and my heart goes out to both of you. It’s encouraging to hear that for your part you’ve been able to make some positive improvements.
No matter how young or old we are, most of us naturally think of Dad and Mom as the “grownup” in the relationship. So unless there’s some kind of significant extenuating circumstance, I suggest you take the lead. Initiate contact to reach out to your daughter. Show your interest in her. A little humility will go a long way.
Just as important, be patient and willing to persevere. Don’t give up on inviting your daughter into your life at the first sign of adversity. Certainly, respect the fact that your history together may have left some sore spots. Grant her space for doubt or for old wounds that haven’t been resolved yet.
Meanwhile, take heart. Daughter or son, 60 or 16 — deep inside, every child longs to reconcile with their father or mother. Some children are always open and ready, while others may harbor anger or still distrust you in some way. Even those motivated to reconnect may need time for their hearts to soften. Just keep your heart open and keep taking the lead.
Q: I’m battling feelings of attraction toward my husband’s best friend. Neither man has any clue of my struggle and I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship. I’ve heard that such things should be shared between spouses for purposes of accountability, but I’m not sure that’d be wise. Should I tell my husband?
Graeme: Accountability is certainly important, but it’s something else to burden your spouse with every questionable thought and wayward impulse that passes through your mind. We all have to deal with our share of “internal rubbish.” That doesn’t mean that we should dump it on the people around us.
Telling your spouse the truth isn’t the same thing as revealing every feeling you’ve ever had. Now, of course couples should be frank and open with each other. But some people provide TMI (Too Much Information) about past and present actions and thoughts. Timing and level of detail are always crucial considerations. Silence isn’t necessarily dishonest — in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
This is especially true in a case like yours. If your inappropriate emotions ever do find expression in inappropriate words or actions — and I hope and pray this NEVER happens — that will be the time for accountability, remorse, and confession. Until then, you’re better off keeping this matter between yourself and God.
That last thought — the spiritual component — is absolutely critical. Rather than dumping on your husband and jeopardizing your marriage, confess your illicit feelings to God and seek His help to remain faithful to your marriage vows. Meanwhile, say and do only what you believe will be in the best interests of your marriage. In short: focus on the relationship you have.
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