Q: I’m getting married in June. My fiancée and I want to have a great life-long relationship, so we’re asking various people for advice and input. What’s your perspective?
Graeme: Every couple wants a loving marriage that’ll endure for the long haul. So it’s worth asking: “Why do so few relationships seem to actually experience that kind of genuine intimacy?”
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I think part of the answer lies in what we expect from relationships. The primary reason we’re attracted to people is because of the way they make us feel. Now, I want as much as anyone to experience good feelings in my marriage. But superficial emotions like that aren’t enough of a foundation to sustain a relationship or to create deep, fulfilling intimacy. That’s because as soon as the good feelings disappear, so does the person’s commitment to the relationship. It’s why people abandon friendships. And it’s why people give up on marriages.
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True love is something quite different. Love is patient and understanding. And, yes, love can be hard. It sacrifices for someone else and chooses to stay with them in spite of their faults. Instead of running away, love faces challenges head on, so it can break through to something richer and more meaningful. As one person put it, love is “seeing the darkness in another person, yet resisting the impulse to jump ship.”
Very few things in life are as enriching as true intimacy in marriage. The path to authentic, soul-fulfilling intimacy in a relationship isn’t always strewn with rose petals; sometimes there are a few thorns along the way. But it’s definitely worth the work.
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Q: My husband and I both seem to be angry all the time. We end up taking it out on each other, even though neither of us want to live this way. How do we break this cycle?
Graeme: It helps to acknowledge that anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It generally disguises other emotions and often occurs after we’ve felt fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three emotions. And sometimes anger is triggered by an unfulfilled expectation that causes us to feel disappointed.
So when you experience anger, or you encounter someone who is angry, try to remember that there is likely more to the picture. Sometimes it’s easier to feel compassion for ourselves or others when we realise that fear, frustration, or hurt is hidden underneath smouldering anger.
This certainly doesn’t give us, or anyone else, the right to explode in rage at someone. But recognising that anger is often a secondary reaction to inner fear or hurt can help us respond to angry people, including our spouses, with understanding and compassion.
In every scenario, we have a choice: We can recognise that our emotions are normal responses to everyday occurrences, or we can ignore our emotions and stuff them. When we mismanage our anger, we risk destroying relationships – especially with those we love the most.
Again, that’s the key thing about anger: how we handle it. When we handle it poorly, we push away those we love the most, leaving a trail of damaged relationships in our wake. Ultimately, unhealthy ways of dealing with anger can be passed from one generation to the next, causing even more destruction. But when we deal with anger in healthy ways, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy in our marriages.
To get started, you may well need some qualified professional help. Our team of licenced counselors are available to speak with you, set up an appointment or provide you with a local referral. You can reach them Monday through Friday between 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. at (031) 716 3300.
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