Focus on the Family — Raising children well

   FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

Q: My husband and I are expecting our first child (a boy).  We want to raise him to be kind and respectful, but as we watch other parents we’re beginning to realise that it might be easier said than done. Do you have any suggestions?

Graeme: I think most moms and dads would agree that raising children looks easy before you’re a parent. Teaching kids to be polite and to think of others is a journey, so we need to stay engaged for the long haul.

Author Jill Rigby, an accomplished speaker and an advocate for promoting manners and respect in society, says there are three styles of parenting – two to avoid and one to embrace wholeheartedly.

The first to avoid is parent-centered parenting. This is when Mom and Dad put their own interests ahead of their children’s – or even try to live vicariously through their kids. Maybe Dad didn’t make the Rugby team, or Mom didn’t make the Dance squad. Now, they’re determined to see their child succeed in those areas, whether that’s their child’s interest or not.

The second style to avoid is child-centered parenting. This is when parents allow the home to revolve around the children, who get anything they want. That puts parents in a subservient role to their kids. And it certainly doesn’t teach a child to be kind to others and put them first; just the opposite, in fact. 

The style of parenting which we should all be striving for is character-centered parenting. This is the parent who says “yes” or “no” based not on what will pacify their children, but upon the desire to help them develop positive traits and respect for other people. That’s a lofty goal and, as I said, it’s a journey parents have to be prepared to stay engaged in for the long haul. We have plenty of resources to help at safamily.co.za.

Q: Why does my wife always want me to talk to her? When I’m tired and just want to relax, she launches into an emotional outburst about how we don’t “communicate” the way we used to. I have to leave the house to get any peace and quiet. What can I do to make her understand?

Graeme: It’s not unusual to find that spouses differ radically when it comes to their needs and desires for verbal communication. That’s partly due to gender; most women have a far greater stock of words than do their husbands. It can also be a matter of individual temperament and personality. Opposites attract, which is all well and good until the honeymoon is over and couples have to get down to the business of living together and understanding each other.

I’d suggest that you try setting up a specific occasion to talk, with an agreed-upon time frame. Twenty or 30 minutes should be sufficient initially. Get a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise not to run, but allow for a time-out if things get too intense.

Start by focusing on your respective needs for communication and quiet time. Make a conscious effort to use “I” statements to convey your feelings; i.e., don’t blame or attack your spouse. The goal is for the speaker to be heard and understood. If you need to take a time-out, schedule a reunion session within 24 hours for further discussion. This will give both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

If you need help putting these concepts into practice, don’t hesitate to contact Focus on the Family’s Counseling Department Monday through Friday between 8.30 a.m. and 4.30 p.m. at +27 (31)716 3300.

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