Q: When should I take the car keys away from my aging father? His senses aren’t as sharp as they used to be, and the older he gets, the more responsible I feel to protect his safety.
Graeme: You’re in a delicate spot. Not only does it feel awkward to assume the unnatural role of parenting your dad, but this situation poses a potentially devastating loss for him. After all, most of us, seniors included, associate driving with mobility, freedom, and human contact.
Before jumping to worst-case scenarios, consider whether your dad’s driving is affected by a short-term emotional disturbance such as a significant life change or stressful circumstance. If so, simply suggest that he let someone else do the driving until things settle down.
You should also make sure your dad receives regular medical attention to discuss hearing and vision, medications and potential side-effects, possible chronic diseases, and any physical and cognitive impairments. In some cases, deterioration in these areas can be compensated for with treatment, modifications, and education.
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But if it’s clear that the time has come to suspend your dad’s driving privileges, do some research before broaching the subject. Gather information on transportation options he might use, and be prepared to ride along till he feels comfortable.
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When the moment of truth arrives, talk to your father respectfully about his options. Introduce the subject gently and give him every opportunity to turn over the keys on his own.
If that doesn’t work, you may have to play the bad cop – or enlist the help of your dad’s doctor for the role. Your dad may protest and be angry, but you are responsible for ensuring his safety — and that of others on the road. Remember: The most loving action isn’t always the easiest.
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Q: My preteen daughter has developed a real talent and love for dancing. We signed her up for classes six months ago and she’s having the time of her life. Aside from her exceptional ability, she’s made some special friends and has blossomed with confidence. The problem is, the music she’s dancing to is inappropriate for someone her age, and I sense that her instructor wouldn’t be receptive to changing it. But with all the positive benefits of her involvement in class, we’re hesitant to pull her out. How should we handle the situation?
Graeme: It’s great to hear your daughter has discovered an activity she enjoys and that is well-suited to her skills and interests. That said, I can appreciate the mixed emotions you’re feeling because of the inappropriate music that’s been a part of the experience.
Sadly, it’s no longer unusual for kids or adults to be held hostage to the explicit playlists of musical gatekeepers, whether at the grocery store, sporting events, or on public transport. Adding to this concern is the fact that numerous studies have concluded that suggestive and risqué music shapes teen and preteen sexual values and behaviors. What’s a responsible parent to do?
While your impressions regarding the instructor’s receptivity may be on target, I’d still encourage you to approach him or her respectfully and privately to express your concern. Bring printed copies of the song lyrics. It’s quite possible that, like many of us, the instructor has never really heard the messages behind the music, and maybe they’ll make changes upon being made aware. You could also suggest a list of alternative tunes with similar musical elements – minus the racy content.
If your concerns fall on deaf ears, however, then I’d suggest the loving response would be to find another dance option for your daughter. Aren’t her heart, mind, and soul worth it?
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