Q: Can you offer any insight as to why my 13-year-old daughter has become so contrary about everything? She often seems eager to distance herself from me. I’m not a controlling parent, but it’s tough to see how she’s acting all of a sudden.
Graeme: I understand where you’re coming from. Commenting on the struggle parents experience during the teen years, psychologist and best-selling author Dr John Townsend, nails the issue when he says it’s “because we’re needed the most and wanted the least”.
Our teenagers need us as much as ever during this turbulent period, but they typically don’t want us interfering in their lives. It’s a necessary and healthy tension, but one which inevitably leads to conflict.
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That’s a huge reason why this season is often rough for parents. Understanding that your teen probably isn’t trying to make your home miserable may help diffuse some of the emotion. But even then, behavioural challenges must still be addressed.
In advising parents how to channel their child’s misdirected energy toward more productive outcomes, Townsend suggests four pillars to help guide our interactions with our teenagers:
The first is love. No matter what behaviour they choose, children need to know their parents love them unconditionally.
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The second is truth. Families must speak truth to one another kindly. Even if they disagree vigorously on certain subjects, they can, and should, do so respectfully.
The third is freedom. Parents don’t “give” freedom to their teens. Teens can choose whether to obey or disobey the rules. But …
The flip side to the third pillar is the fourth: consequences. In the same way teenagers have the freedom to choose their own behaviour, they also choose — and must be allowed to experience — the consequences that go with it.
Q: Is there a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation in a case of marital infidelity? A year ago, I discovered that my husband had resumed a previous and long-term emotional affair with a friend of mine. Their relationship has ended and I believe I’ve forgiven him, though I’m still having a hard time trusting or feeling any affection for him.
Graeme: I’m sorry to hear of the deep hurt you’ve experienced. There are, in fact, some very significant distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For one thing, forgiveness is an individual decision, whereas reconciliation is a joint venture. Forgiveness is an element in the larger process of reconciliation. Without true forgiveness there can be no reconciliation, but one can forgive without necessarily being reconciled. A great deal depends on the other person’s response.
There’s also an important difference between the choice of forgiveness and the emotion of forgiveness. Once you’ve determined to let go of a past offence, it can sometimes take a while for your feelings to catch up with your cognitive decision. Changes of this nature don’t usually happen overnight.
Given the circumstances, your emotions are completely understandable. Your husband must give you the time you need to work through those feelings of betrayal and invalidation. He must also realise that before there can be true reconciliation, he needs to respond to your forgiveness by taking the initiative to rebuild trust into the relationship. That means acknowledging his betrayal, entering into your pain, and daily demonstrating his fidelity, reliability, and trustworthiness as a person. That’s what repentance is all about. In the meantime, your task is to stay open to trusting him again despite the baggage of the past.
If you’d like to discuss your situation further with one of our caring, licensed counselors, I’d encourage you to call us at +27 31 716 3300. They’ll be happy to assist you in any way they can.
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