Q: I’ve noticed that many – most? – people seem to have lost the ability to apologise when they say or do something rude or even offensive. Whatever happened to common courtesy? I’d be interested to hear what you think.
Graeme: Two of the hardest words in the English language to say might be “I’m sorry.” And that’s regrettable — because when they’re spoken with sincerity, those words can bring healing to almost any relationship.
Notice I said: “with sincerity.” It’s not difficult to speak the words, but it can be tough to truly mean them. That’s probably because we understand that to apologise is to accept responsibility for ill-spoken words or bad behaviour. It requires a heart posture of humility — which can often be confused with giving someone else the upper hand over us. That’s why some people view an apology as a weakness.
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It’s also why people all too often offer “apologies” that have been stripped of any real meaning. We minimise the severity of our actions or blame our behaviour on others. We might say all the right words but dilute them with sarcasm or humour. Whatever the method, we all recognise it when we see it. The result is always the same: the appearance of an apology without the substance of one.
Perhaps it’s a pervasive sense of entitlement, a growing lack of responsibility, or the anonymity of the Internet bleeding over into daily life. Regardless, this trend is a problem.
Far from being a weakness, a heart-felt apology requires strength because it demands sincerity and humility on behalf of the person offering it. And that’s the secret. Mending a damaged relationship has little to do with the words we use to express our regret. The healing comes from the authenticity we pour into our words and actions.
Q: How do I show grace to my children even when they don’t deserve it?
Graeme: Kids will struggle in life at every age and stage. They’ll make mistakes in judgment and decision-making (just like their parents). They’ll hurt others and say inappropriate things (ditto). But grace gives children the freedom to make those mistakes and not crumble.
It’s important to remember that just because your child has room to make mistakes doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for their decisions. Showing grace to your kids doesn’t mean you lower your standards or rules in your home.
Here are a few ways you can model grace to support your child’s development.
- Be on the same page. Staying on the same page as your spouse with discipline is critical to showing grace in your home. When both parents agree on how to show grace, they communicate the power of unity and honesty. True grace offers discipline with respect and understanding for your child’s feelings.
- Rebuilding trust. When you model grace, you help your child understand what’s necessary to rebuild trust in their relationships. Children in grace-based homes don’t feel the need to guard their feelings and emotions. In other words, they learn how to share their feelings without fear that they’ll be ignored or attacked.
- Give the gift. Ultimately, grace is a gift. If you want to receive grace, you must also learn how to give it. When approaching your child with grace, start small. Focus on ways to show your kids grace with their low-stakes errors. When the more impactful mistakes arrive, you can rely on the habit of showing grace to your kids.
The presence of grace and forgiveness supports the building of a mentally healthy home. To learn more to benefit your family, go to safamily.co.za.
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