Demi Leigh Tebow, wife of former US football star Tim Tebow and winner of Miss South Africa and Miss Universe titles in 2017 speaks to Relevant magazine about her new book A Crown That Lasts: You Are Not Your Label and her personal life journey
Originally published in Relevant
In an era where success is often measured by titles, accolades and achievements,cess is often measured by titles, accolades and achievements, former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Tebow offers a refreshing perspective on finding a deeper, more enduring sense of worth.
In her new book, A Crown That Lasts: You Are Not Your Label, Tebow opens up about the journey of rediscovering her identity after stepping away from the spotlight. We sat down with her to find out about her journey, and how we can discover our own true identity.
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What made you want to write this book in the first place?
Demi-Leigh Tebow: A couple of things, but I think that the main moment that inspired this book was the moment I stepped off a stage, something that I had worked for for a long time, handing back something that I attached a lot of my worth and value to. The moment I stepped off that Miss Universe stage, giving back my crown, it was a moment of, my goodness, where to now? Literally, I didn’t even know how to get back to my dressing room because everything had been done for me up until that point. I had so much support. I had a whole team of people, and that team of people just flocked to their next and new purpose. It really sent me spiraling into a season of feeling like a failure, feeling like nothing new, nothing good was coming. It just felt like a wasted season. That’s really the thing that inspired me.
You know, the title, especially A Crown That Lasts, I talk about the crown that I wore that didn’t last physically. But also, literally and figuratively speaking, I gave back that thing that I felt made me worthy. Maybe people listening to this can’t necessarily relate to the crown that I wore, but maybe they can relate to that purpose or that accolade or that prize or that corner office or that paycheck that they felt made them worthy, that they felt gave people a reason to want to have them in the room. And maybe that fell away at some point, and alongside that, their identity too.
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What are some questions we can ask ourselves to check or determine where we’re placing our identity?
I think there’s one question that popped up for me, especially in that season: Who am I when everything I’ve had to show up for every single day is no longer there? I think that might be a question we get to ask ourselves. A couple of years ago, in that messy waiting season that I found myself in, I couldn’t answer that question. I genuinely didn’t know how to. In fact, I actually pretended to be my own assistant just so that I could divert people from having to do interviews or podcasts because I was so fearful of answering that question. My answer would have been a failure.
Now, as a way more mature woman, I’ve grown through a really hard season, and I know that the Bible tells us we will face trials and tribulations. It’s not a “maybe”; it’s a “when.” I know that wasn’t the last trial or moment of tribulation I will face in my life. Therefore, I feel like I can be better prepared for a next season.
What were the steps you took to sort of rebuild your identity?
I actually wrote a whole chapter about just that — well, pretty much a whole book, to be honest. But there’s one specific chapter called Working Through the Waiting. I talk about how we can wait God’s way. I believe that means we work through that waiting season. It means we show up and say: “Lord, I’m willing for you to use me where I’m at with what I’ve got. Please do that.”
I think that was one thing I wasn’t necessarily doing in that waiting season. I was so focused on myself, on my own accomplishments, on my own self-confidence. And I failed myself over and over again. I don’t know about you, but when I think of the word self-confidence, confidence means to have full trust. In that waiting season, I had full trust in myself, and sooner rather than later, I experienced failure because the trust I get to have in myself is very limited, to be frank. But when we change out that self-confidence for God-confidence and rely on who our Maker is instead of who we are, not just all the promises he’s made, but also all the promises he’s kept throughout eternity, that is why we get to have confidence in who He is.
That is why we get to have full trust in who He is. Honing in on that was something that really helped me get through that waiting season. In this chapter, I write an extensive list of things that I practically did. I’ll just give you two quick examples. Something that was super helpful for me was to take the focus off of myself by serving others. The second thing, which I didn’t necessarily do in that waiting season but wish I had, was surrounding myself with a community of people who would point me back to the truth every time I planted weeds of doubt in my life. Having those particular people to point you back to the truth is so valuable.
Absolutely. How would you say your life is different now that you’ve built your identity in who God is and not in your accomplishments?
I think I get to show up every single day with a renewed purpose, a purpose that is bigger than myself and one that will hopefully last for eternity. That purpose is not just focused on me, but as the Bible tells us, there are two things that will last forever: God’s Word and His people.
I feel like my purpose is to empower women around the world to see their true worth and value and to inspire, empower, equip, and educate them on how to walk in that purpose with the utmost confidence. That’s something that brings me so much joy because it’s way bigger than myself and will last a whole lot longer.
Do you have any advice for someone who is comparing themselves to others?
We all do that, right? It’s so easy. You open your phone, you open social media, and somebody else’s holiday is way better than the holiday you didn’t even have this year.
It’s so easy to compare ourselves. It’s so easy to look at the things that other people have that we don’t think we have or that we think we have less than. But we know that we are all made as one of one, that we are all made unique, that we are all made wonderfully, fearfully. That just translates to “awesome.” That is how our Maker sees us. I think it’s kind of sad when we compare ourselves to other people because we’re saying: “Lord, you made a mistake. You didn’t make me perfect.” When in fact, He loves us so much that He was willing to sacrifice His life for us, to have a personal relationship with us, for who we are — not who other people are, but for who He created us to be. And I think that’s so special. It’s sad when we focus on that comparison.
Comparison also makes us miss the moment. It makes us focus on wanting to be perfect instead of being present. It makes us miss the moments that are special. Life is not just a compilation of big, extravagant moments. I actually think the special parts of life are all the small, little, teeny-tiny parts throughout our days and weeks that pile up to be the special moments.
What are some ways that we can still keep our identity in God while pursuing our goals or dreams?
That’s something I definitely had to work through. The Bible tells us that we can and should strive for excellence. I think it’s even Daniel, who was recognised because of his excellent attitude, that impressed the king. Throughout the Bible, we read about excellence. By definition, excellence means to strive for something higher, something bigger, something better — not just sitting here and saying: “Okay, this is all I can do,” but keep working, keep trying to be better. But I think the mistake we make is thinking excellence and perfection are the same thing, and they’re not.
Chasing after accolades, crowns, corner offices, that next paycheck, job title, or car — those things are not bad. The tricky part comes when we root our identity in those things. Paul wrote to the Church of Corinth in Corinthians 9:25: “Hey, church people, heads up, don’t chase perishable crowns.” And that’s exactly what I did. Quite literally, I chased the crown that did not last.
He tells us not to chase perishable crowns. What he’s referring to in that Scripture is the athletes who competed in the Isthmian games, a rival to the Olympic games. Some scholars believe these athletes literally put their lives on the line. Some even believe some of these athletes died just in the preparation for these games; that’s how intense it was. All that these athletes would win was a wreath, a crown made of pine leaves, celery leaves, or, depending on the season, olive tree leaves. Listen, that’s just a head salad. Pine tree? I don’t know about you; I love my celery juice, but celery leaves don’t last, not even in the special refrigerator drawer. We literally got warned 2 000 years ago not to chase things that won’t last but to chase things that will.
Things that will have an impact on eternity. Like we discussed earlier, those two things are God’s word and His people. Something I’ve had to learn is, well, where do I get to have an identity that is steadfast, that is not going to send me on this rollercoaster? If I root my identity in my accolades, prizes, or accomplishments, that’s going to send me on a rollercoaster of emotions at some point or another, maybe multiple times in my life. There’s not going to be a steadfast identity when I root my identity in my life circumstances that are ever-changing.
What I had to learn is that I have to root my identity in something that is fixed, never moving, never changing, bigger than myself, and always trustworthy. That is definitely not my life circumstances because my life circumstances are none of those things. But my faith in Jesus is exactly that. He is not just a promise maker; he is a promise keeper. He is always fixed, never changing, always trustworthy, and bigger than me. His plans are bigger than mine. The love that He has for me is bigger than anyone would ever be able to have. That’s where I get to have an identity that is steadfast and never changing.
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