A monthly column aiming to open eyes and free lives from the damaging effects of porn, brought to you by the team from The Naked Truth. The UK charity, now in South Africa, works internationally to change lives and minds through awareness, education and recovery, guided by the mission of Isaiah 40. That we would “level mountains and lift valley’s to reveal Jesus.”
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
By Catherine Etherington
Welcome back to another instalment in our series on the impact of porn in South Africa. As a reminder we will be running various in-person events in South Africa in March. Visit our website for more info.
Betrayal trauma: When the heart of marriage is shattered
Betrayal trauma. The clinical world uses this term to describe the PTSD-like effects experienced by someone who discovers secret sexual behaviour within their marriage. When a chronic deception — like hidden pornography use — is revealed, the impact can be devastating. Studies show that up to 76% of individuals¹⁺² who discover such secrets experience symptoms of PTSD. The foundation of trust in their marriage is shattered by a betrayal they could never have imagined. In Christian marriages, where faithfulness, fidelity, and trust are not just values but expectations that reflect the character of God, the sting of these sexual secrets cut deeply.
The wound of betrayal
The word “trauma” comes from the Greek word for “wound”, signifying the lasting impact a traumatic event leaves behind. Betrayal trauma specifically refers to the wound inflicted when a spouse’s behaviour betrays the trust and connection at the heart of the marriage.
The Bible teaches that in marriage, two become one flesh, bound by sacred vows made before God, and so it makes sense that as one party diverts attention away from the marriage, this would be felt acutely by the other. Marriage is the place where we have the deepest expectations of safety and trust, so betrayal and deception will impact the marriage in ways that would not be true elsewhere. Of course, very few people keep their marriage vows perfectly — a reflection of our earthly imperfections — but the ongoing deception and reality distortion required to deceive a spouse can have devastating impacts on both the individual and the marriage. The betrayed partner must now grapple with the horrifying realisation that their loved one is capable of both prolonged dishonesty and manipulation, and secretive sexual behaviour.
![](https://gatewaynews.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/5-ways-to-support-gateway-news.jpg")
- Advertisement -
It is also sad to note that research shows links between compulsive sexual behaviour and domestic violence. In some cases, individuals attempt to act out violent pornography within the marriage and exert control over their spouse in an attempt to preserve their secret life³. In a country where there are already grave concerns about the safety of women within relationships, this isn’t something we can afford to ignore.
When help becomes harm
Sadly, many partners of porn users find that their hurt isn’t limited to their spouse’s betrayal. I wish churches were not included on the list of those who harm, but sadly they are, often due to a lack of awareness and understanding. Churches, places that should be safe sanctuaries for healing, too often perpetuate victim-blaming. Sometimes, church communities may mistakenly assume that the marriage is to blame, questioning whether sexual fulfilment was lacking or the spouse’s “effort”.’ in the marriage had slipped. The reality is far more complex: for many users, this behaviour was part of their lives long before they entered a relationship or marriage.
Supporting the betrayed spouse
It is best to view this experience as a crisis and to support the spouse from that perspective, not with judgment or rushed fixes, but with empathy and care. The trauma they experience is real. The betrayed partner needs to be loved, with both practical and emotional support. Some hold tightly to their faith as a lifeline, while others, up to 64%, will find themselves faltering in their faith, doubting everything they once knew about life, love, and God. The impact of that questioning is strongly influenced by how a church responds.
Healing cannot be rushed. How supporters respond to the spouse’s disclosure of the betrayal has a direct impact on both how deeply traumatised they will feel⁴, and how they will ultimately relate to God⁵. A response focused on justice — acknowledging the wrong done at the hands of the person they trusted most— is crucial before any conversation about forgiveness can even begin. As healing progresses, we have found that most partners reach the stage of forgiveness in time.
The path to recovery and restoration
At a time when it can be difficult to see that God is “for us”, it will be important that we experience this truth through God’s people, as a reminder of who He is. Jesus, hanging on the cross, expressed his own pain of betrayal. In His cry of abandonment, He understands the depths of what the betrayed spouse feels. At a time when God can seem distant, the Church can become the hands and feet of His presence. providing comfort, and a clear reminder that He is “for us”, even when everything feels broken.
With the right care and support, both the individual and the marriage can heal from betrayal trauma. This is not an easy road, but it is one of restoration. In our support groups, betrayed spouses find solace among others who truly understand their pain, who “get it”, becoming equipped with tools to manage the emotional upheaval and triggers that can come with the PTSD-like impact of sexual betrayal.
Churches, too, can be environments that support individuals who are suffering from betrayal trauma. By educating pastoral staff, small group leaders, and church members about the realities of sexual addiction, its effects, and the deep wounds it creates. Free resources like Naked Truth’s Church Membership Programme can help you get equipped.
Betrayal does not have to have the last word, and as the Church, we have a vital role in walking alongside the wounded and pointing them toward healing.
God sees you and loves you
If you are walking through the painful reality of betrayal trauma, know that God sees your pain and loves you deeply. His heart is with you in the midst of your suffering. You are not forgotten. In times when you may feel abandoned or isolated, remember that God is with you. He is the Healer of broken hearts and the Restorer of hope. If you need support, we are here to walk alongside you, offering guidance, resources, and a compassionate ear. Please don’t hesitate to reach out — healing is a journey, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
The author
Cat is Naked Truth’s Director of Recovery. She is a certified professional life coach and integrative counselling practitioner, working with individuals and couples impacted by problematic sexual behaviour and betrayal, Cat has developed her skills through well-known entities including The Gottman Institute and Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health and APSATS. Cat leads our team of recovery practitioners and serves as a board member for APSATS (Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists).
References
1. Steffens, B.A. and Rennie, R.L. (2006) ‘The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts’, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(2–3), pp. 247–267. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1080/10720160600870802.
2. Vogeler, H.A. et al. (2018) ‘An Examination of the Factor Structure of the Trauma Inventory for Partners of Sex Addicts (TIPSA)’, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 25(1), pp. 46–64. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2018.1452086.
3. Taylor, L. and De Haan, I. (2023) ‘The Prevalence of Domestic Violence in the Lives of Female Heterosexual Partners of Sex Addicts’, Violence Against Women, 29(15–16), pp. 3263–3287. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1177/10778012231199111.
4. Freyd, J.J. and Birrell, P. (2013) Blind to betrayal: why we fool ourselves we aren’t being fooled. Hoboken, N.J: Wiley
5. Retallick-Cheel, R. (2021) While You Were Watching: An empirical, practical theological examination of the experience of Christian female partners of porn addicts and how the church can help and support them. Masters Dissertation. Moorlands College.
Please help us to keep on publishing news that brings Hope in Jesus:
>> Donate >> Become a Super Subscriber
VISIT OUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/gatewaynews100
COMMENTING GUIDELINES
You are welcome to engage with our articles by making comments [in the Comments area below] that add value to a topic or to engage in thoughtful, constructive discussion with fellow readers. Comments that contain vulgar language will be removed. Hostile, demeaning, disrespectful, propagandistic and off-topic comments may also be moved. This is a Christian website and if you wish to vent against Christian beliefs you have probably come to the wrong place and your comments may be removed. Ongoing debates and repetitiveness will not be tolerated. You will also disqualify yourself from commenting if you engage in trolling.
