Q: My fiancé and I are getting married this spring for the first time and we’ve run into a conflict concerning finances. Should we have joint or separate accounts after we’re married? What are your thoughts?
Graeme: Opinions on this question vary, but as I see it, a “yours and mine” mentality is not conducive to a healthy, happy marriage. A husband and wife are not two people who happen to sleep in the same bed but who lead separate and independent lives. On the contrary, marriage is best and most fulfilling when both are “all in” and cast their lot together for better or worse. The sharing of your financial assets is an important part of sharing life as a whole. And this includes the establishment of joint accounts.
In some cases, special circumstances may necessitate opening separate accounts for separate things – a personal business venture, for instance. But for the most part it’s best to handle your finances as a team. If both of you will be working outside the home, you can put all of your earnings into one account and then agree that each of you will receive an equal share of monthly “allowance.” That’s the simplest way to keep yourselves accountable to one another.
If you’re uneasy with this arrangement, you need to determine why. You’ve given us few details about your relationship with your fiancé, so we really aren’t in a position to comment on this aspect of your question. We can only tell you that if two people don’t feel they can trust or ought to be accountable to one another, they would be well-advised to reevaluate their marriage plans, or at least get some serious premarital counseling. It’s best to resolve issues of this nature before tying the knot.
Q: When should we talk with our son about what it means to be a responsible husband and father? He’s still pretty young – not even in his teens yet. Should we wait until after puberty? Or would it be better to hold off even longer?
Graeme: That’s a good question that deserves careful consideration for many reasons. Perhaps the most significant is the tendency for today’s couples to marry later in life than in the past. As a result, young adults are entering into marriage with a stronger sense of individualism and personal independence than previous generations. While a certain level of this can be healthy, it can also present challenges for a marriage relationship. Often times the more “set” two people have become — the more time they’ve had to “harden” their personal routines — the more difficult it can be for them to merge and meld in marriage.
Why mention this? Because from a certain perspective it underscores the need to start preparing our boys to understand the responsibilities involved with marriage and family life as early as possible. Good husbands and fathers don’t just happen; we have to create them. And we create them, at least in part, by teaching and modeling for them beforehand that good marriages and strong families are built on a foundation of love, and that love often means putting aside self-interests and learning to make sacrifices for others.
With that in mind, it’s wise to start talking to your son about what it means to be a good husband and father now — before he’s had a chance to form too many self-centered, potentially relationship-damaging habits. A good man anticipates what lies ahead on the journey and prepares for it. I’d encourage you to help your son get moving in that direction as soon as you can.
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In certain respects I disagree with this, for practical reasons, because we are all human, imperfect and there are plenty of cases where one spouse turns out to have serious flaws in their character.
Firstly, if one is married out of community of property, it is best to keep finances separate. If e.g. a spouse is declared bankrupt, the other spouse’s assets are safe.
I have witnessed the problems that arise when people are married in community of property, either when a spouse dies and their bank accounts, etc., are frozen, or if something happens, such as a husband’s business going under, then they can lose everything. There are also cases where one spouse is a spendthrift, or becomes addicted and squanders the couple’s money, and debt collectors can take both their assets. No-one wants divorce, but the reality is that marriages do fail, and one spouse can be at the mercy of reprehensible behaviour on the part of the other, especially if they have pooled their money.
We are married out of community of property. I had a few small investments from when I was working before we started a family, then many years laterI also was the beneficiary of an inheritance that was intended for our children. Consequently, I have kept my finances and investments separate.
While I was working, we didn’t pool our income but we shared expenses. After I resigned to become a full-time mother, our income halved, our finances were very tight and we were completely dependent on my husband’s income. As inflation increased and carrying cash for household expenditure became more risky, it became necessary for me to have a credit card on my husband’s account, which I use for everyday expenses. He had been worried about my having a credit card because he had a work colleague whose wife was a spendthrift. I had proved my trustworthiness with money, keeping a tight budget while we were financing our children’s education. So in this way, he has shared his income with me, but his investments are separate. With any purchases for which I don’t expect my husband to pay, including gifts for him, I use my money.
Trust is essential in a marriage, both regarding fidelity and the managing of finances. Tragically, trust can be broken and that is why there should be safe-guards and why I do not recommend the pooling of all one’s finances nor marriage in community of property.