Parenting a porn-in-their-pocket generation

A monthly column aiming to open eyes and free lives from the damaging effects of porn, brought to you by the team from The Naked Truth. The UK charity, now in South Africa, works internationally to change lives and minds through awareness, education and recovery, guided by the mission of Isaiah 40. That we would “level mountains and lift valleys to reveal Jesus.”

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

By Mandy Marshall-Taylor

As parents we remember the day our children were born, we cradled them close, holding their gaze, teaching them to smile; we handed our beautiful little bundle carefully (and briefly) to loving family members, who agreed they were the most stunning little baby ever. We taught them to eat vegetables, to utter their first words and take their initial tentative steps, to learn their alphabet and we congratulated them on reading their first word. We held their hand tightly as we walked them to school on their first day, kissed them goodbye and ushered them on their journey of independence.

But now, a staggering 87% of 12-18 year-olds, have seen online pornography. For 71%, it was disturbing, leaving 20% feeling overwhelmed, and 14% struggling with schoolwork. What on earth has happened? And is there anything that we parents can do?

Serenity prayer

One moment, we’re in despair, feeling powerless; the next, we see a glimmer of hope when our teens engage in meaningful conversations or schools implement phone-use restrictions. The question isn’t just about what we can do to protect them, but how we can equip them to navigate this new world. It reminds me of the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

And courage, is indeed needed, as we are faced with these alarming statistics of damage to our young people. Pornography is having a normalising effect on a whole range of behaviours: 66% of children who said that they had taken naked images of themselves also shared the images. Sorry, what? Our children are taking pictures of themselves, of the parts of their precious bodies — and sending them to… who knows where?

Violence in porn

88% of online porn content is violent, degrading and abusive and the normalisation of this behaviour, treating women (mainly) as objects of abuse, is undoubtedly contributing to the huge increase of disturbing ‘irl’ (in real life) cases, filling our news feeds with repeated cases of gender-based violence. One study revealed that most men in SA who rape do so for the first time as teenagers and almost all men who ever rape do so by their mid-20s.* These young men and women were the ones their parents held in their arms, strapped to their back and soothed to sleep with their songs.

Elastic parenting

Our children have, of course, changed enormously. And our ways of parenting will have too. We will be learning how to ‘parent on elastic’ — letting our children ‘out’ and teaching them they can spring back to the security of parental love. Teaching our children to be independent and to make good choices (rather than crossing our fingers, and just hoping and praying they will) has always been part of our job, hasn’t it?

Proverbs 6:22 invites us to “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” (or MSG Point your kids in the right direction — when they’re old they won’t be lost.)
Of course we also have to practice giving them permission to make bad choices, and even let them tell us about their mistakes, in the safe knowledge that they’ll be received in a way that attempts to resemble the expansive, forgiving, arms-wide love of God.

Controls to conversation

But has parenting changed? The charge to us as parents in the face of the dynamic digital world is probably still the same: to parent. When they were younger, our parenting involved ‘controls’ — obeying the green man when crossing the road; getting them to eat green things; giving them screentime limits; setting up careful privacy settings and ISP parental controls to keep them ‘safe.’ (If you would like more info on how to set up controls you can download our Parent Pack, using the coupon PGFREE). Then as they start to mature we gravitate more towards ‘conversations’ with them. Yes, we talk TO them, but it’s probably better to talk WITH them — which involves a whole lot more listening than we might like! In order to best consider their needs, we have to practice listening carefully to them, and reminding them of our presence alongside the digital world which they inhabit more naturally than us.

But we can also, and should also, exercise our parental responsibility to say ‘no’ sometimes. To ‘face the drama’. To let them be cross with us — when we are almost 100% sure that our decision is in their best interest, even if they can’t see if yet. Maybe we insist, before they have access to a phone or an internet-enabled device, that we have agreements in place about time spent, apps and websites accessed. Maybe you’ll consider drawing up — together — an internet family agreement — but beware! They’ll hold YOU to it as well! There’ll be questions about their parents’ device usage in that discussion!

Real connection

And perhaps you’ll find that one of the simplest but most profound ‘prevention’ tools in your parental toolbox will be your availability for conversation. Drives in the car when you’re next to each other, opening up topics around friends, their favourite dinner, school subjects, hopes and dreams, listening to your precious young person’s questions about life and love — and then, as they are happy to chat about such things, you may well find that they’ll creep into trickier topics — like sex, relationships and pornography. And you may even find that they’ve longed for those moments more than you ever knew and more than they could articulate themselves.

So, my prayer is for the time to chat. For increased awareness of the needs and questions of your young people. For grace and energy to listen and not jump in with ‘fix it’ responses. For courage to hold your nerve in the ‘no’ at times, and for an ever-deeper relationship with your precious child.

If you would like more practical advice on having these conversations, as well as access to our parenting tool box, sign up for one of our online PG workshops or request that your church host one in person or online by emailing Sheralyn Cloete.

About the author

Mandy is Naked Truth’s Relationships and Parenting Coordinator, over the past 10 years Mandy has worked in the area of ‘strengthening relationships’ in a variety of guises. She also loves French grammar so gets her fix teaching languages in a local school. When she’s not in an education setting, you might find her running with her dog, baking with her three daughters, or in the sea with her husband!

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