Q: How’s a parent supposed to connect with teens when life is always crazy? My husband and I both work, while our kids have school, chores, friends, and all sorts of activities. Everybody in our house is constantly coming and going. Help!
Graeme: My three girls are teenagers now, so I get it. It can be crazy busy – especially since I’m often on the road for work. Connecting can be challenging, but you’ll never regret making the effort.
Start by resolving to make what little time you DO have together a positive experience. Go out of your way, every chance you get, to tell your teens how proud you are of them. While I’m sure there are areas where they could improve, affirm them for the things they’re doing well. Unconditional love and encouragement are key ingredients in the recipe for connection.
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Then, find ways to deliberately carve time out of all your busy schedules. Your teens may act like they don’t “need” time with you, but I can attest that there’s no greater gift you can give. It might be an early morning breakfast before school. It can be a few minutes after work or just before bedtime. Those one-on-one times with your daughter or son are priceless moments they’ll always cherish – and so will you. Time as an entire family is important, of course. But time alone with your teen can breathe new life into your relationship.
Most of all, don’t let the bustling activity in your household discourage you. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the difference a few moments with your teen here and there can make in your relationship.
Q: Sometimes I try to give my wife “constructive feedback” about something around the house or in our marriage. But she usually doesn’t respond well and even gets snippy occasionally. Why can’t I call it like I see it? I’m just trying to help.
Graeme: There’s one guarantee in marriage: sooner or later your spouse will fail to measure up to your expectations (and vice-versa, or course). The question is how you respond: in short, are you an encourager or a fault-finder?
Many marriages are sabotaged by what expert Dr H Norman Wright calls “fault-finders.” This is a spouse who acts out of a critical spirit and is quick to point out their partner’s shortcomings. That attitude basically communicates: “I don’t accept you for who you are. You’re not good enough for me.” The irony is that while fault-finders dish out criticism, they often take offence when the discussion turns to how they are hurting the marriage. This unhealthy dynamic generally throws a couple’s relationship into a downward spiral.
So, start by being honest with yourself. If you’ve been a fault-finder, and you recognise the damage it’s doing to your relationship, why not try another approach? Learn how to become your mate’s biggest cheerleader. Encourage her and praise her good qualities as well as her efforts. Highlight her potential while getting (and communicating) a vision for what your marriage can become – not just what it is right now.
To say it another way: work on replacing your critical spirit with a positive one. Then, when circumstances inevitably arise that require you to face your own faults, you’ll be able to deal with them from a place of goodwill and trust – and without the defensive attitude that makes a bad situation worse.
For more tips and resources, including helpful relationship assessment tools, visit safamily.co.za.
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