Q: My husband and I recently moved to a new city. As we make new friends we wonder how much of our personal story to share. We experienced significant marital issues and eventually divorced, but later reconciled and have remarried. Our old friends knew everything; is there any reason to open up with new acquaintances?
Graeme: I can understand the reluctance. Nobody likes a scar, which is why most people keep them hidden if they can. But with the right mindset a scar can actually be a symbol of healing and strength for others.
Let me give you an example. During the Vietnam War, Dave Roever was confident that he would return from his tour without a scratch. But during a firefight a phosphorous grenade exploded in Dave’s hand, horribly burning most of his face and body. His scars were so extensive he’d never be able to hide them.
So, Dave chose to use his wounds to bring healing to others. As a well-known and popular speaker he has encouraged thousands of people to reveal their emotional scars. As he says: “Scars are evidence of pain, but they’re also evidence you survived.”
That same truth holds for the scars your marriage has suffered as well. Obviously, I don’t know what tore your home apart. Whatever the cause, the result is usually the same. People hide their scars to avoid feelings of shame or humiliation.
But a scar can become a symbol of hope to others facing similar problems. Remember, a scar indicates healing has taken place. It means there was an open wound – but you fought through and fixed what was broken in your relationship. I applaud you for that. And others need to hear about it.
So, when it comes to your marriage, don’t hide your scars. Let the world around you see them as a source of strength and hope.
Q: My husband and I did our best to raise our son into a mature adult. But now that he’s finished studying and out on his own, he’s making very poor choices. We’re discouraged, and struggle wondering where we went wrong. Do you have any insights?
Graeme: Watching an adult child lose their way is extremely difficult. In one sense, you’ll always be the parent and he will always be the child you raised. But at the same time, as our kids enter adulthood the relationship has to transition to a balance between independent people who make their own decisions.
Where do you start? I’d suggest the first step is to avoid submerging yourself in guilt. Did you make mistakes? Of course you did – every parent does. But your son is old enough to make his own choices and to accept responsibility for them. So give yourself a break.
Second, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that the burden of getting life back on track needs to be your son’s, not yours. You can encourage him to make better choices, but again – it’s his life now. So point him in the right direction if you can and give him advice if he asks for it. But let him be his own person.
Now comes the hard part: you have to let your son suffer the consequences of his choices. If you rescue him from his problems, he might never see a reason to make the necessary changes. So don’t be too quick to save him from self-inflicted pain.
In situations like this it can be very helpful to discuss your specific concerns with a qualified professional counsellor. If you’d like some extra guidance from our staff counselors, I invite you to call +27 31 716 3300 or visit safamily.co.za.
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