Q: Can you help me with an awkward situation involving an extended family member? Recently this person harshly disagreed with something I posted on social media, and I confess I didn’t respond well. The (unfortunately) public dispute has escalated into critical private messages and even some caustic texts. What do I do now?
Graeme: Digital connections among extended family can be great in the right circumstances. When a relationship is healthy, they’re an excellent way to stay in touch.
But we’ve all seen (or experienced) situations when things go off the rails. Author and counsellor Dr John Townsend warns that if you’re engaged in conflict with someone, addressing problems through electronic means is the WORST thing you can do. That’s because confrontational comments almost always seem worse when you read them. No matter how carefully we word our thoughts, it’s far too easy for the reader to feel judged or attacked. In fact, Dr Townsend recommends that people never use digital channels to confront anyone because the potential for misunderstanding is so great.
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Instead, talk face-to-face if at all possible — or by phone if necessary. Admittedly, addressing disagreements in person can be very uncomfortable. But it’s still the best way to ensure that the subtleties of communication carry through and help make reconciliation possible, rather than derail it.
Prioritise affirming the relationship even if you need to “agree to disagree” about some things. I love some great advice about interacting with others that dates back 2 000 years: If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Romans 12:18)
The first step in reaching a resolution will likely be to humbly admit any fault you yourself might have had in escalating the situation. If our staff counsellors can be of assistance, feel free to call them at (031)7163300.
Q: I’m really looking forward to getting married in a couple of months. But my fiancé’ and I both grew up in broken homes and we’re scared about whether we can make things last long-term. Do you have any advice?
Graeme: A widely respected marriage therapist, Dr John Gottman, estimates he can predict with 90% accuracy whether or not a newly married couple will go the distance. He doesn’t have a crystal ball — rather, he has conducted extensive research on how couples communicate.
I agree with Dr Gottman that divorces don’t occur over individual conflicts like in-laws or money. The issue is how couples handle those disagreements. Gottman identifies four key behaviours that increase the chances that a couple will divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and acting with contempt toward one another.
Perhaps you read that list and think: “Houston, we have a problem.” The good news is that even if you’re struggling your marriage isn’t automatically doomed to fail. Real success is a lifelong process — and it is absolutely possible when you’re both committed to doing the work to improve your relationship.
Any couple, no matter their life stage, can learn how to communicate better to solve difficult problems. You may have to practice working together as a team or honing new relationship skills. But those are factors within your control. And that means that almost any couple is just a few communication skills away from creating a healthy and successful marriage.
We have a broad range of resources available to help at safamily.co.za/marriage, including many articles and books for marriage preparation. We also have an entire streaming platform available for free called Thrive Media. There, you’ll find a video curriculum called Ready to Wed, which I highly recommend.
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