Q: My spouse and I have been thinking about starting a family, but we’re nervous about taking the plunge. Do kids really change your life – and your marriage – as much as people say they do?
Graeme: The short answer: yes. Children will change your life. Initially it will be mostly schedule interruptions and loss of sleep. As time goes on you’ll encounter potty training, discipline, and the first day of school. Before you know it, you’ll be saving for university and giving up a new car for braces.
But the more important question is the one you didn’t ask: are the changes worth it? Once again, a resounding YES! Children will bring big changes. But they also add an entirely new dimension of joy and fulfillment you can’t find anywhere else.
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So, if you’re fearful that parenthood will be so unpleasant that you should abandon those plans, I’d strongly encourage you to reconsider. Children are more than just a responsibility and a blessing. They’re also an opportunity to learn, grow, and experience adventures you haven’t yet even dreamed about.
Now, let’s get to some practical stuff to cushion yourselves for the “shock”. Start by being prepared to adjust your assumptions. You need to be open to letting go of the desire to be in control. Parenthood involves many unforeseen challenges, so you’ll have to give up some of your usual activities in order to provide the structure your kids need.
You’ll also need to be ready and willing to make sacrifices. Yes, you’ll “lose some of your freedoms” if you choose to be parents. But don’t let yourselves resent your child because of the things you gave up for their sake. If you and your spouse can’t picture making sacrifices, this may not be the right time — yet — to have children. Most parents find the joys well worth the sacrifices, so move forward with your eyes wide open.
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While you’re adjusting, remember to give your marriage the attention it needs and deserves. Growth for any couple requires intentionality. Once children are in the mix you’ll have to be even more proactive about keeping your relationship strong and healthy. You’ll still need outlets such as dating and spending time with friends. But those will look different than in the past. If finances are tight, try hiking, window-shopping, or coffee at the kitchen table. The important thing is that you’re together — and that you don’t spend the whole time talking about the baby.
Be prepared to lose sleep. During your child’s infancy you’ll likely have to get up several times a night. Since both Mom and Dad are likely to be sleep-deprived, be ready to see each other at your worst. With both of you filling the roles of full-time parents and spouses, your respective flaws will probably surface more often. So, decide now to extend grace to each other and put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own.
The bottom line: take heart. If you’re courageous enough to tackle the challenge of raising children — and I hope you are — things will get easier as time goes on. The mechanics of parenting change throughout a child’s life span. And remember that parenting will never be completely stress-free. But I can personally attest that there’s incredible satisfaction in watching your child grow and change, and eventually developing an adult friendship with them.
Obviously, I can’t touch on every aspect of this question in a limited venue like this. If you’d like some extra guidance from our staff counselors, I invite you to call (031) 7163300. Meanwhile, we have tons of practical resources for parenting and marriage at safamily.co.za. I wish you all the best.
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