Q: From what I’ve heard about your organisation, I suppose helping people with their marriages is a good thing. But why don’t you put all that effort toward something really important like combatting poverty?
Graeme: I appreciate the question. Since this column is such a limited venue, I’ll summarise our perspective with an illustration. The late novelist Pat Conroy described a broken marriage well when he said, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilisation.” I think that’s absolutely right.
Divorce doesn’t just split up a husband and wife or separate kids from their parents. The breakdown of the family is one of the most overlooked contributors to the poverty rate.
Consider some of these factors:
- Families that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50% afterward.
- Almost half of the parents with children who go through a divorce drop below the poverty line.
- In general, children of divorced parents have lower test scores in reading, spelling, and maths.
- These kids also are more likely to repeat a grade, have higher drop-out rates, and lower rates of university graduation. Low education rates perpetuate the cycle of poverty.
So, while it doesn’t get reported in the media very often, if we want to decrease poverty we need to save marriages. Stable families form the bedrock of any society. That’s part of why we do what we do at Focus on the Family.
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for more than two years. I love her and want to move toward marriage. She says she loves me, too, but she wants the freedom to see other guys. It’s frustrating — should I just move on?
Graeme: While the emotions you’re wrestling are challenging, your decision really hinges on what you ultimately want. If you’re at a place where you truly desire and are eager to be married, you may need to start looking elsewhere. Despite what we hear from movies or common romantic thought — and contrary to what you’re probably feeling — there’s no such thing as “the only one” when it comes to choosing a life mate. But if you’re sold on this girl and willing to be patient, you can see if her heart eventually turns.
Either way, you might consider adjusting your current pattern of interacting with her. Any behavior on your part that suggests you’re just hanging around waiting for her to see the light is counterproductive. A man who projects a humble sense of confidence, self-respect, and independence is attractive and interesting to a woman. But a guy who acts like his life is meaningless without her is usually a major turn-off.
For starters, make it a point to work on self-improvement by pursuing activities that grow your mind and character — reading good books, serving others, etc. Look for other quality women whose company you enjoy and spend time with them. You might be surprised what develops. You’d also be well-served to not be so available to the woman in question. There’s a real chance that sub-consciously she’s taken your fondness for granted; a noticeable shift in your behavior just may cause her to reconsider.
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