Our big God adventure: episode 31 — How the ’80/20 Rule’ helped our marriage and our ministry

Veteran missionary in Kenya Lydia Venter shares a life-changing lesson she and her husband, Wilco, learned from a ministry colleague

Allow me today to share a principle that has truly changed my hubby’s and my lives. Permit me also to be a bit vulnerable and to share something that affected us negatively over many years of working in Kenya. I know there are many couples in ministry who struggle, and if this testimony can mean something to someone out there, then obviously it was worth going through it. 

There’s a Scripture in 1 Chronicles 22:19 which is actually very profound and provides a powerful image of the life of a servant of God: “Now seek the Lord your God wholeheartedly and with your entire being! Get up and build the sanctuary of the Lord God! Then you can bring the ark of the Lord’s covenant and the holy items dedicated to God’s service into the temple that is built to honor the Lord.”

Wilco and I have been in Kenya since September 2001, co-working with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit to build the sanctuary of the Lord in the areas He has assigned to us. Of course, the Lord now builds His temple with living stones — with people who surrender their all to Jesus. However, we never truly understood the impact that our own brokenness would actually have on this process, and also the greater power that would be released once we began to deal with it.

Wilco and I both had a lot of brokenness originating from our childhood and, although we were deeply committed to marriage, it resulted in all sorts of defaults that were causing power struggles between us — not only in the home, but also in ministry. It wasn’t that we didn’t love or care for each other, but because of our different personalities and giftings, we thought very differently about many things.

Wilco also still carried the consequences of a great trauma that happened to him as a 10-year-old boy when he accidentally killed his father during a hunting accident, and that made him reluctant to carry certain responsibilities. (He has given me permission to share more on this in the next episode.) So, because of us trying to fit into the traditional roles and the weight of expectations from many sides, we never fully understood each other’s pain.

In a country like Kenya, it is culturally correct for the man, as the head of the home, to also lead the ministry. So, while Wilco begrudgingly carried the weight of this, I kept on nagging about vision, systems, structures and board meetings. We were slowly drifting more and more apart and instead of allowing Holy Spirit to look at each other with compassion and use our different giftings in a harmonious effort, we fell into the age-old trap of fighting each other instead of the enemy of the Cross.

As the years went by, I began drawing back in certain areas and slowly felt like I was dying inside. In the meantime, my sweetheart was frustrated too as he has always loved to serve his family, as well as the Lord, more in practical ways like preparing breakfast, working on the vehicle, etc. 

On November 12 2020 the UK director of One Collective, Anthony Jones, sat with us during one of our regular zoom meetings and it was clear that he had come to his wits’ end in trying to help us figure out on how to work together constructively. He has known us since about 2008 and in 2010 we joined their organisation, which was called International Teams at the time.

Listen, it wasn’t that the Lord couldn’t use us or that we had no blessing on our work, but the rift between Wilco and me became more and more evident. Our director was one of the few people we trusted with this matter.

As we sat there quietly, Anthony suddendly started sharing with us about the “80/20 rule”. He explained that it is one of his life principles whereby he tries to do 80% of what he loves so that he can have the grace to do the 20% that he doesn’t like to do.

He then said to Wilco: “I respect your giftings in practical work and how you’re able to fix almost anything. I also saw your struggle to carry responsibilities that were not in line with your personality and giftings.”

And he told me: “I’ve been watching you for many years and have seen your passion for the ministry. You carried the responsibility, but never had the authority and that would kill you.”

Oh wow!! Spot on for both of us. He continued: “Hopefully this will all change. Wilco, you’re the head of your home and if you say ‘jump’ I hope Lydia will ask you how high. But today I’m making Lydia the catalyst for Lomolo Village and I advise that we make her the director of YASHA Ministry International.”

It took a few moments for the words to actually sink in, but it was like both Wilco and I saw the wisdom at once. That must have been what they call an “aha moment” and we strongly believe the Spirit of God gave Anthony the insight that day to bring transformation in, not only both of our lives, but also in our marriage.

The change in our relationship was both instant and gradual. It was like we suddenly received an abundant measure of grace to deal with whatever needed to be dealt with. To me personally it felt like I was born again once again and Wilco testified afterwards that a huge weight had lifted off his shoulders.

We had many conversations over the next couple of months, as I wanted to make sure that he was okay with me leading the ministry, and it finally sank in … He really was! 

Of course, we’re still on this journey to deal with that which needs to be aligned with God’s purpose for our lives, but we can now both relax in the knowledge that God is using our strengths for His glory and is continuing to sanctify our weaknesses.

Isaiah 45:1-3 — This is what the LORD says to Cyrus His anointed, whose right hand I have grasped to subdue nations before him, to disarm kings, to open the doors before him, so that the gates will not be shut: “I will go before you and level the mountains; I will break down the gates of bronze and cut through the bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness and the riches hidden in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name.

Sometimes God does this in unexpected ways. In our case He used the revelation of the 80/20 rule to open doors, level mountains, break down gates of bronze and cut through iron bars in our lives. Wilco and I have a renewed sense of appreciation for doing what we love and a fresh respect for each other’s giftings and talents. We’re also still working on allowing the grace of God to flow to the 20% of that which we don’t like to do.

This simple word in season spoken by God’s servant has made it easier to seek the Lord our God wholeheartedly and to build His sanctuary! After more than two years since we learned that powerful lesson we’re still grateful as we keep on discovering more creative ways to live out this profound principle.

Philippians 2:13 (AMP) — [Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.

Join me soon in Episode 32 as I share about my darling husband’s long and painful journey to complete healing.

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