Our big God adventure: episode 32 — ‘My long and painful journey of restoration’

In this episode of Lydia Venter’s reports from the mission field, her husband, Wilco, share his story

Episode 32 – Wilco’s Story …

In chapter 31 I promised to share my hubby’s long and painful journey towards freedom in Christ as he had to deal with a horrible childhood trauma. Here it is in Wilco’s own words:

I was raised on a farm in the Koster district in North West, where life was quite simple. I grew up with my dad, my mum and three siblings of which I was the second born. During holidays we were used to do all sorts of work on the farm. My brother and I spent a lot of time on the tractor working the land as our family was dependent on farming.

At the age of 10 I had a traumatic experience which made a huge impact on my life. One evening we went hunting on our farm in Groot Marico. My brother, Jan, together with my uncle, sat in front of the open Landrover while my dad and I stood on the back, holding onto the frame. Suddenly my dad saw an eye but just as he wanted to shoot, it disappeared. He then asked me to hold the loaded gun, while he took the spotlight to search for the animal. Suddenly the vehicle hit an anthill and, as the gun hit the floor of the vehicle, a shot went off and my father, who stood next to me, was hit in the heart. He died instantly.

Something also died in me that night, while the rest of me became contaminated by guilt and shame. As a young child I had to deal with the fact that I had robbed my grandparents of a son, my mum of her husband and my brother and sisters of their dad. I had to stand in court under heavy questioning where my motives were intensely scrutinised and I had to answer questions like: “Are you sure you didn’t shoot your father on purpose?” and “Is it not perhaps your uncle or brother who shot your dad and now you’re just covering for them?” Newspapers were only after sensation and, although I didn’t understand a quarter of it, it was clear that everyone was suffering.

In school I went from being an “A” student to hardly making it academically. It was during that time that I learned to rather suppress my emotions because every time I cried, my mum and siblings started crying as well. Because I wanted to protect them, I stopped expressing emotions altogether. I guess we all tried to work through the trauma in our own way, as counseling wasn’t something that was practiced in a small town like Koster — and, after all, most people in this conservative town believed it was “the will of God”.

After school, at the age of 18, I went to the army and later became a platoon commander. One time in Venda, we had contact with “terrorists” and we killed two of their men. Again, death knocked at my door where I felt I was responsible for the deaths, and so I crept deeper into my cave of guilt and shame.

The third incident was during 1987 when I played rugby for Imgar. During a match we were playing in Welkom my brother, Jan, came to watch. I sat with him briefly on the pavilion before my mates called me back to the team. Instead of asking him to go up with me, I left him there alone, Two weeks later he had a fatal car accident. Each time I experienced the same devastating emotions, and each time I buried these feelings deeper in my soul, hoping they would just eventually disappear. 

After I became born again (about two years after my marriage to Lydia), I slowly came under the realisation of what Jesus had done for me on the cross. However, a lot of it was head knowledge as I struggled to make myself vulnerable and allowed myself to feel or respond to any emotion. This obviously had a huge effect on my walk with God, as well as on my marriage and family set-up.

You might ask: why am I sharing this with you? To what purpose?

Because the enemy, according to John 10:10, only comes to steal, kill and destroy.

How do you start dealing with the emotional scars, if your entire life was earmarked by you trying to forget the incidents that destroyed you? How do you start taking responsibility for things, if you believe you were responsible for so many people’s deaths? How? By not only hearing, believing and embracing God’s truth, but by working out your own salvation with fear and trembling — Phil 2:12. This can take a lifetime, so be gentle with yourself.

John 8:32 — THEN you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…. When? Verse 31“If you hold to My teaching” In John 8:44 Jesus explained that Satan was a murderer from the beginning, and he does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Unfortunately, I believed the lies of the enemy for way too long. When this kind of trauma happens, you create a hiding place in your soul and this leads to unhealthy and dysfunctional defaults, patterns and cycles. 

You need to come to a place where you can see things for what they are (again, it’s hard, as you train yourself to live in oblivion). You need mentors and people who can walk with you, pointing you back to Christ every time you fall into self pity. You need to learn the Word and use it as a weapon against these lies that often times feel totally overpowering. You sometimes forget (another symptom of trauma), so it’s important to put strategies and reminders in place for you to continue working out your salvation. 

Trauma victims easily fall into addictive behaviour as it creates “hiding places” … this can be anything from work to pornography. Again, you need to call on God’s grace often while feeding your spirit with truth. Vulnerability is an issue, so get someone trustworthy who you can share with and who can keep you accountable.

Though the journey is hard (especially for your loved ones), you can eventually get rid of the victim mentality as you discover your identity in Christ. You can be more than a conqueror through Christ Who loves you — Rom 8:37. Allow the Word of God to be your beacon of light, ever pointing you towards His salvation.

I want to end off with this beautiful Scripture in 1 John 5:4 that says “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”

As Lydia and I will celebrate our 33^rd anniversary in May this year, I remain on this journey as I continue to invite God to bring full restoration into my life and marriage.

Thanks for reading this …

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