Q: My teenage daughter is a “crushaholic.” She’s constantly seeking affirmation from boys, and she’s either high as a kite or sad and depressed depending on the attention she gets. Is this normal?
Graeme: I have two daughters in their teens, so I’m seeing the upheaval of the teen years firsthand. The physical, mental, and emotional changes can be intense, especially for young girls.
As with many developmental issues, this one has roots that are good and God-given. Puberty floods a teen girl’s brain with hormones that awaken her heart to relationship, love, and romance. But without proper boundaries, the longing to be desirable to members of the opposite sex can spiral to where a girl believes her worth is dependent on a guy’s validation. It can become an obsession leading young girls into relationships that they don’t have the emotional maturity to handle. When a relationship goes wrong, a girl feels like her life is falling apart.
What can a parent say to help a teenager who’s experienced a broken heart? Don’t say anything at all. At first. Just put your arms around her, hold her, let her cry, and help her to rebuild the foundation of trust and understanding of a loving relationship. When it is time to speak, don’t minimise or trivialise her feelings. She’ll probably think this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her, and at this point in her life it may be.
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If you haven’t yet, you’ll want to begin helping her learn to navigate a culture that is saturated with unhealthy messages about sexuality and relationships. You can’t shield her from it, but you can equip her with the tools to manage it.
Focus on the Family would be happy to provide you with helpful resources to work through this or other challenges you might be facing. Please don’t hesitate to contact us at +27 31 716 3300 or visit our website at www.safamily.co.za.
Q: It’s sad to say, but I’ve come to where I dread Valentine’s Day. The love and romance hype only shines a light on what a disappointment my own marriage has become. Is there any hope for us?
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Graeme: I feel for you and understand how lonely Valentine’s Day can be for those in hurting marriages.
There are many reasons why love in marriage fades. Serious problems like addiction, abuse, extra-marital affairs, and mental illness can certainly extinguish feelings of romance. For those who’ve encountered these painful experiences, I’d encourage you to seek counselling. Our own licensed counsellors would be happy to help point you in the right direction (+27 31 716-3300).
Husbands and wives can “fall out of love” for other reasons, too. The busyness and stress of work, kids, and finances can cause a couple to drift apart over the years until one day they realise the only thing they share is a tube of toothpaste. If this is where you find yourselves, don’t give up. There are many things you can do to get your marriage back on track, but sitting back and waiting for flowers isn’t one of them.
One remedy I’m a firm believer in is couples relearning how to have fun together. In fact, it’s why at Focus on the Family we often promote the idea of married couples having a date night. We know the concept works based on research showing that 92% of couples who make date night a priority have increased satisfaction in their relationships. I’d strongly encourage you to give it a chance. You can get some ideas by visiting our website at www.safamily.co.za and searching “Date Night”. And if you want, you can dig even deeper by getting a copy of the book Take the Date Night Challenge.
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