[notice]A fortnightly column on marriage, family and relationships.[/notice]“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay” (Habakkuk 2:3)
If we were to apply this verse in all the different areas of our lives including our relationships, we would save ourselves so much heartache and hurt. I do believe that God has a vision and a plan for each life and will reveal that plan to each of us when we draw near to Him; when we seek Him. God had/has a plan and a destiny for each life that has ever lived and He knows what each of us need. He is more than able to direct us to our destinies. One of the most important aspects of stepping in one’s destiny and carrying out his purpose is his choice of spouse. The spouse that you choose can either be a great support or a great hindrance in the plan of God for your life.
More and more I am finding myself counselling single women who are either in a relationship and are planning to be married or I counsel single women who want to be married. Some young people to start the process of getting to know someone while praying and seeking the Lord’s face whether s/he is the one that God has chosen for them. It is another thing altogether when someone is ready for marriage and will say ‘yes’ to any man that comes along to propose. As the Church we are partly to blame for this desperation and pressure that our young women feel. We have made marriage look as if it is a trophy to be attained while looking down at single women who have “passed the marriageable age”.
Society in general is not too accommodating of a young adult woman who is not married. Even her own family start to question, “When are you getting married?” Her friends might take it upon themselves to find the lady a man. All these hints do not add to the self esteem of a woman. She starts doubting if she will ever get married. She looks at her outside appearnce and hates what she sees in the mirror. The enemy feeds her lies that most of the time she believes: ”You are ugly, that is why nobody wants you”. That is a lie from the pit of hell. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God knows your end from your beginning. He sees you when you wake up and when you go to sleep. If He is an involved Father surely He knows your needs in this area of your life.
Guidelines for choosing a godly husband
Unless God has said otherwise and He has called you to a different kind of ministry, believe that you will get married one day. In the meantime while you wait for that beautiful day here are 12 guidelines on what to look for in a godly husband. There might be many that come knocking at your door.Proverbs 18:22 tells us “He who finds a wife finds what is good and obtains favour from the Lord”. Use wisdom in who you allow to the secret chambers of your heart.
A man might say he is a Christian but look for more than what is readily seen on the outside…
- Look for a man who is after God’s heart (Acts 13:22). This is a man who hungers after God with every breath he takes. He is pleased with what is pleasing to the Father. He lives His life yielded to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. He must be grounded in the Word.
- Look for a man who is trustworthy. He is the man who can be trusted in the little things. (Luke 16:10). A man who can be trusted in the little things is a man of integrity.
- Look for a man who honours his word. He is not swayed but does what he says. You can depend on such a person.
- Look for a man you can respect. As a wife the Bible tells us to respect our husbands. The husband is the leader in the home therefore you need to marry someone whose leadership you can respect.
- Look for a man who can laugh at himself and does not take himself too seriously. This is a man who can truly be your best friend. He is the one you will feel comfortable with knowing that he will not judge you. If he cannot laugh at himself it means that he also expects people to always be perfect and will be a bit rigid.
- Look for a man who honours and respects those who are older than him not just his parents. A man who is full of pride will lead you and your family to many problems as they are not teachable. Look for a man who is humble enough to be led; to be taught and who respects those that have gone before him.
- Look for a man who is a giver. A man who is stingy might even have issues paying the tithe. Paying a tithe is a non negotiable part of a Christian life and a man who is not willing to pay the tithe will attract a curse to your marriage and family
- Look for a man who supports your dreams. Although the wife is called the helper she goes to the marriage with dreams that God has called her to. If you marry a man who is not willing to listen to you explaining the assignment of God on your life then you will live an unfulfilled life as you will constantly be drawn to your destiny but unable to go there.
- Pay close attention to how he treats his parents — especially his mother. The level at which he treats his mother will not be different to the level of respect he has towards women. If he is constantly fighting and shouting at his parents be cautious going forward with such a man.
- Look for a man who genuinely enjoys going to church and who loves fellowshipping with other believers. If you are involved in church you really do not want to be with a man who finds going to church a bore. They will be critical of everything and will eventually plant seeds of doubt in your mind about “your church””
- There will be times where you do not see eye to eye. Look for a man who is not full of pride when he is right and who will say I am sorry if he does wrong.
- Your future spouse must display fruits of the Holy Spirit especially the fruit of self -control. He cannot give in to anger outbursts.
- He must share his vision. Where does he see himself five, ten and 20 years from now? Five years will find the two of you sharing a life. You need to know what he envisions that life to be.
- Lastly you want a man who treats everyone the same with respect. Whether rich or poor, black or white, young or old. UBUNTU has built this nation.
As Valentine’s Day draws nearer you might feel more and more alone as you see many couples “paired up”. Indeed throughout the month of February when more than any other time public displays of affection are more visible you might feel that life is passing you by. This is worse for young adults who feel that they are “old enough to be married by now”.
I have counselled many young women who feel this way. I worry as soon as a woman voices concern about needing a man” as I worry that my fellow sister is at a stage where she is impatient about continuing to wait on the Lord. I know it is not always easy to not listen to the flesh that is screaming its own needs but if you are to emerge stronger I ask that you begin to look at the rest of your life and involve yourself in activities where you are surrounded with people. Volunteer in an organisation; involve yourself in church activities. Link up with your other Christian singles who will keep you accountable.
My experience has taught me that if marriage is all you think about you will find yourself day dreaming about being with someone even sexually. In more than 80 % of cases where a woman has felt desperate to be married she either falls pregnant outside of marriage or gets engaged to a man who shows interest and marries him knowing full well his Christian walk is not that strong.
Seek first the kingdom of God my beloved sister and all these things (including marriage) will be added. The Lord sees your struggles and will answer your prayer. Wait for the vision for it will surely come to pass at the appointed time.