Q: I struggle with anxiety. How do I keep it from affecting my parenting and interactions with my family?
Graeme: Anxiety is not easy to manage. It tends to spill into your day. I love this question because you’re recognising the negative impact anxiety inside you can have on others around you.
Stress – which is a given as a parent – can produce an even more anxious response to a life that already feels somewhat out of control. Anxiety can create a rigid and inflexible mindset that usually predicts the worst to avoid loss, pain, or embarrassment.
Here are a few tips for developing a more flexible mindset:
- Seek perspective from people who are less anxious than you. You want to help your mind consider other potential storylines.
- Consider how growth and resilience could be built through failure, pain, imperfection, and a freedom to explore and trust.
- Explore your children’s perspective. Avoid immediately saying “no” or becoming impatient while you’re stressed. Ask the questions, “what’s it like to be with me?” and “what is my child’s experience?”
- Let go of some things. Perhaps you’re trying to control almost everything – that can feel absolutely overwhelming! Figure out what you need to control and what you need to loosen up to maintain your sanity. It’s helpful to do this with a professional counselor or trusted friend.
Parenting is messy. Anxiety plus parenting can be even messier. But trying to be the perfect parent isn’t the solution. Building a home founded on grace and gratitude can help transform the culture in your family. Remember, your kids aren’t looking for you to be perfect. They want you to be present, interested in them, and effectively guiding them with grace and understanding.
For more information about how to help your family handle mental health issues, go to safamily.co.za.
Q: My teenagers (a son and daughter) both struggle with unwanted sexual thoughts. How do I help them?
Graeme: This is an important question. Is it really about overcoming and avoiding sexual thoughts? Or is it about helping your teen become a healthy adult – including their sexuality?
As kids enter adolescence, it’s common for them to experience an ongoing wrestling match with their sexual thoughts. Your child’s new curiosity about topics like dating and sex is a normal and important part of their development, so the goal would not be to eliminate their sexual thoughts. The goal is for them to develop a healthy, loving, and self-controlled sexual thought life.
Prioritise ongoing and open conversations. There’s a good chance your kids will try to understand and manage their sexual thoughts on their own by searching online or asking their friends. Here are some potential things to intentionally talk about:
- The purpose of sexuality as a life-giving component within a committed marriage relationship.
- Any triggers they may be aware of when it comes to their unwanted sexual thoughts.
- The different worldviews on sexuality and your family’s beliefs and values.
Also, establish goals. Most kids tend to do better in school, sports, relationships, and activities when they pursue realistic goals. Overcoming unwanted habitual sexual thoughts is no different. As a parent, what is your goal for your child’s overall sexual health and wholeness?
Are your kids only learning about how to be consumers? Or are they learning how to be contributors within a trusting, committed, and loving relationship? Your teens need to work through their worldview on sexuality. You get to walk alongside them as they learn to love others well, including through their thoughts.
To learn more about building healthy sexual wholeness in your family, go to safamily.co.za.
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