Q: I never experienced any real traditions and good Christmas memories as a child. It was just transactional – once the presents were opened and the wrapping picked up, Christmas was done. Now that we’re starting a family my husband and I want to change that. Do you have any thoughts that might help us develop a Christmas heritage to pass on?
Graeme: I believe there’s plenty to build on if you’ll look for it. The main thing to keep in mind is that enjoyable traditions can run the full gamut from serious to silly. For example, I heard of a couple of friends who have been exchanging the same fruit cake back and forth for nearly thirty years. Whoever received the cake last year gives it back this time along with another goofy gift. What started as a joke has become a quirky holiday tradition that binds their friendship.
On the serious side, I would strongly recommend that you develop family traditions of reaching out to others. Volunteer at a Child and Youth Care Centre. Bake Christmas cookies together and deliver them to neighbors. I hope you’ll make a habit of attending Christmas Eve church services. Highlight the real reason for the season: the baby in the manger and why he came.
And then, make it a point to try something new as a family each year. Take a short local road trip. Find a craft class where you can make your own tree ornaments or pottery. Check your community calendar for any holiday concerts.
It doesn’t really matter what you do. I trust you’ll discover, as the fruitcake-swapping friends have, that the best gifts you can give at Christmas are the memories you make together.
Q: My husband and I got married 10 months ago. Our families (in different parts of the country) semi-reluctantly agreed that this first Christmas can be “just us.” But we just found out we’re expecting(!). Once the baby comes, I’m sure we’ll get pressure from both sides every year about where to spend the holidays. Do you have any advice going forward?
Graeme: You’re not alone. A high percentage of couples quickly find that one of the most common sources of tension is where to spend Christmas: with her family or his?
Unfortunately, much of the pressure in this area comes from the extended family members themselves. Her parents might expect their girl to be home on Christmas morning. But his mom traditionally fixes a huge dinner and says she’ll be hurt if he isn’t there to share in it. And once grandchildren are involved… well, things can get ugly.
To help navigate these troubled waters, keep two principles in mind: be fair, and be flexible.
In terms of being fair, discuss options that work for both of your extended families. That might mean alternating where you spend Christmas each year.
As for being flexible, think about the best interests of those closest to you. Perhaps spending half of your holiday break in airports or long car drives isn’t what your budget — or your kids — will handle well. Be realistic each year. If it’s just not a good idea for you to travel, don’t be afraid to honestly convey that to your extended family.
The bottom line is that just like any other area of marriage, the best tool for deciding where to spend the holidays is healthy communication between you and your spouse.
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